Free will and bad choices

I am reading Al-Anon literature because I have a loved one who is suffering the consequences of drinking to excess.  Al-Anon says that we are powerless to fix the alcoholic.  We cannot make choices for them.  They "deserve the chance to hit a 'bottom' of their own."  "All we can do is to serve as an example of the joy and serenity that recovery can provide, and respect the rights of our loved ones to make the choices they need to make, even if we despise the nature of these choices."  (Empasis mine)

Is this true?  Do we sit back and let people close to us make bad decisions that lead to painful consequences?  What if these consequences lead to their death or the death of someone else?  Am I cuplable if I do nothing?  Someone said, "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is that good men do nothing."  Does evil have a right to triumph?  Don't I have a duty to intervene if I can stop something bad from happening?

What about me?  The Bible says, "People are evil from the time they are young."  And "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure."  God knows me.  He knows my heart.  He knows that I make bad decisions over and over again.

Yet, he lets me make them.  God allows me to make choices to hit bottom, even if my choices are contrary to His nature.

God knows that I am powerless to fix my heart.  But, I am not abandoned.  I am not alone.  God has shared his righteousness in the Law.  It is my reminder of how I should live.  Bad choices have natureal consequences to keep me on the right path or steer me back to it when I stray.  Jesus is my example of living with love and joy and peace.

What about those close to me who are making bad choices?  Do I have any responsibility to them?  At the very beginning of time, Cain was angry that God liked Abel's gift, but did not accept Cain's gift.  God came to Cain and told him to fight the sin inside of him.  God did not go to Adam and Eve and tell them to rein in their son.  After Cain killed his brother, God confronted Cain, not Adam and Eve.  Nowhere in the Bible are Adam and Eve held accountable for Abel's murder.  Maybe they blamed themselves for doing nothing.  No one else did.  

The lesson is that each of us is personally responsible for our actions. 

Does this mean that we stand aside while people make bad decisions?  No.  Maybe Adam and Eve were on their guard about Cain.  Maybe that is why Cain asked Abel to go out into the field with him, away from the rest of the family.  When God confronted Cain, Cain acted like he had no idea what happened because the murder was done in secret.

God tells Ezekiel that he is responsible for the people of his generation.  Ezekiel must tell them to stop sinning.  If they stop, great.  If they choose to keep sinning, they will be punished, not Ezekiel.  On the other hand, if Ezekiel does not speak up, he will be punished for the people's sins.

Perhaps the same is true for me.  I can be the light of the world as God's love shines through me.  I can be the salt of the earth and burn in the wound of someone who is making bad choices.  I can be hope, and faith, and an instrument of God's peace.  

People are still free to reject the good and turn to the darkness.  This is something I have no control over.  All I can do is bloom where I am planted and pray that God uses me for His glory and to bring people closer to Him.

May God give me the courage to do this today.

A Pickle Can Never Be a Cucumber Again

My wife and I have attended support meetings for families of substance abusers.  In one meeting, the leader told a story about a guy who loved growing cucumbers to turn them into pickles.  The leader used pickles as a metaphor for substance abusers.  "Once a cucumber becomes a pickle, it can never go back to being a cucumber."  The same is true for addicts.

Addicts at the beginning of their recovery often think they can get their addiction under control.  They know that sometimes they go too far, but they need to learn how to drink socially like other people do.  "I should be able to have a beer during the game.", is the thought.  "Everything in moderation."  The truth is, addicts can never use again.  An addict is a pickle.  They cannot be a cucumber again.

Does this mean I can never have one beer while watching the game, or a cocktail or joint after work to take the edge off, or a beer with the work team after a long day at work?  Yes.  Never again.

"I'm sure I can control it.  I can have a glass of wine with the family at Thanksgiving."  The problem is that you can; sometimes.  Not going on a bender one time makes the addict feel like they are not truly an addict or that they beat the addiction.  This makes them feel comfortable slipping back into old habits.  That leads to stronger cravings and weaker resistance to temptation.

Sure, you may be able to have one beer watching the game this week and not keep going.  Maybe next week that turns into one beer per quarter; still way less than what you used to do.  What happens when the quarterback throws four interceptions and they end up losing to the worst team in the league?  This could be the trigger that causes an addict to have a relapse.  

Addicts have an internal love affair with the substance they abuse.  They love the anticipation to use.  They love the feeling that using gives.   Feeding the craving in a small way leads to larger cravings.

What happens when work is more stressful than normal?  If one has been having a drink to take the edge off, an extra stressful day requires more drinks.  It's easier to deal with the temptations, triggers, and cravings that come from unusal circumstances if one has a record of sobriety.

No one who is dealing with an addiction wants to believe they have to give it up.  Diabetics do not want to stop eating bread and ice cream.  Gamblers do not want to stop buying the occasional lottery ticket.  Workaholics do not want to stop working after 40 hours or give up volunteering after work.

Someone once asked Ted Williams, who had 20/10 vision and was considered one of the best hitters in baseball history, why he did not swing at pitches just outside the strike zone.  After all, he could have gotten a few more hits if he swung at a pitch that was just a bit outside.  Ted said, "you have to draw the line somewhere."

There is no way for an addict to be a casual addict.  It's all or nothing.  A pickle is a pickle.  It can never be a cucumber again.

Going to Prison

I dropped my son off at the House of Corrections last night to serve a 30 day sentence.  Could be worse.  Maybe it should be.

He has been making jokes about serving the time but I know he is scared.  His mother and I are scared.  And sad.  And concerned.  And hopeful.  Scared that this experience will scar him physically or mentally.  Scared that he will harden his heart and not learn anything.  Hopeful that somehow, this experience will snap him out of the funk he has been in for the past year.  Hopeful that this will make him afraid to break the rules, afraid to hang out with people of bad character that corrupt good conscience.  

He needs a job and has to get one when he gets out of jail.  It will be hard.  Many businesses will not hire someone with a felony on their record.  His driver's license is suspended for at least eight more months.  He has no car.  He has no money to buy a car.  There are no businesses close to our house that he could walk to or ride a bike to.  The road ahead climbs a hill.

I do not ask God, "why?".  That is not important.  God is in control.  He will work all things out for good.  I trust in Him and wait for relief and peace.  

Yet, my heart aches.  Like the father of the prodigal son, I stand at the edge of my property looking for my son to return.  There is nothing I can do.  I cannot fix this.  I can encourage.  I can reprimand.  But, in the end, recovery and change is in the hands and mind of a 19 year old young man.  He can choose to make the same bad choices.  He can continue to view himself as a failure.  He can choose to walk the path of recovery, day-by-day.  All I can do is pray and hope.

The only thing that really matters is where we end up when we die.  I believe my son has a saving faith in Jesus Christ.  However, the bible says in several places that a person is known by what they do.  "Can a thorn bush produce grapes?", Jesus asked.  We are all thorn bushes to some extent.  At the same time, believers are also grafted into the vine that is Jesus.  Through him (or maybe him through us), we produce good fruit.  It is faith that matters most.  The Spirit of Christ produces fruit in us.  

"LIve your life through my son, Jesus.  Be patience, kindness, hope, charity, joy, goodness, faithfulness, and especially, self-control in him."  This is my hope.

I will take my son out of prison in 30 days.  I pray he will be a different person, in Christ.

Should I worry about others?

The Bible has a lot to say about worry and trusting God.  However, it always seems to talk about things that affect me.  In the Psalms, when the author is asking God for help, he always talks about stuff that is affecting him directly.  For example, people are threatening to kill him.  Sometimes, the concerns are about the author's personal health or financial situation.  The same appears to be true throughout the Bible.  Whenever someome is appealing to God for help, it is for relief from personal affliction.  There are times when people petition God on behalf of the entire nation of Israel, but that also includes the petitioner.

When Jesus talks about suffering and relief from God, he also makes it personal.  In the sermon on the mount, he mentions a person worrying about food, and clothing.  In John 10, Jesus says, "In this world, YOU will have trouble."  Again, it is personal.

Everything that happens to Job happens to him personally.  Yes, his kids die but that is directed at him because it is an event that is over for the kids.  They are not suffering with disease or poverty.  Their death affects Job personally as does losing his wealth and his bodily afflictions.

The lesson the Bible gives us for all of these situations where we are personally afflicted is, "Don't worry."  "God will work all things together for good."  "God is God, and you are not.  He's got this."  (That last one is, what I think, the lesson for us in Job.)  This is all good stuff and very true.  We should not worry about our lives.  We should have peace in every circumstance.  We should trust God to take care of us.

What about other people that I care about?  What about my kids?

Are there places in scripture where people are sad or worried about others?  Does anyone cry out to God because there child or friend is suffering.  There is the story of the Prodigal Son.  The father in that story is suffering on behalf of his child.  How do we know this?  Because he is standing at the edge of his property looking for his son to return.  When the son finally returned, the father saw the son "when he was a long way off".  This is a man who was concerned for his son.  Every day.  For years.

There is also the story of the paralytic man that was let down on a cot into the room where Jesus was.  His friends were concerned for their friend.  They took action and brought him to Jesus.  They had faith that Jesus would heal him.

Jesus showed concern for others.  He wept over Jerusalem.  He wept for Lazarus.

Is the lesson for those who worry about others the same as those who worry about themselves?  The father of the prodigal son got his son back.  The paralyzed man was healed.  Lazarus was raised and returned to this friends.  Jerusalem did not repent.  Most stories of unbelief end with the unbelief persisting -- Sodom and Gomorrah, the rich man and Lazarus, Pharoah and the Israelites.

The only time people who mourn do not find relief is when their loved ones are falling away or not believers.  Not all children of Christian parents will be in heaven.  No matter how much a parent prays for their child, the child may still not believe or repent.  How does a parent deal with that?  How can a parent find peace?  Do you just rejoice that your name is written in the book of life.  Do we not care about others in this case?  The same verses that comfort us in our personal afflictions do not apply.  God may not work a child's unbelief for good.  How can it be good if they end up in hell for all eternity?

I don't know the answers to these questions.  I suppose all I can do is continue to witness to my kids and pray for them and hope that the seeds we planted in their youth will bear fruit someday.  Hopefully, the mistakes we made can be overcome.  Maybe we should focus on other people who are called and chosen by God.

How do parents find peace?  How can we rejoice?  How does God find peace when the vast majority of his children refuse to believe in him?

All we can do is hope.

I don't want to eat right

I have type 2 Diabetes.  It affects my sleep.  It affects my energy.  It affects the nerves in my feet and hands.  

My diabetes is not genetic or caused by any medical condition that is out of my control.  I eat too much of the wrong stuff and do not exercise enough.  If I go to my doctor, he is going to tell me to eat better and exercise more.  He is absolutely right.  If I did both of those things to the right levels, I would not have diabetes.  The thing is, I don't want to eat right nor exercise more.  (I'm actually eating some Nutter Butter cookies as I write this.  Not good.)  It does not matter how many times my doctor tells me what to do, I am not going to follow his advice (at least not to the extent that I need to).  I just want him to fix me--get rid of the diabetes.  Hit the reset button on my carb levels so I can keep eating the stuff I like.

I also have problems in my life.  My marriage could be better.  My kids could be making better decisions (this is actually an understatement).  My job could be better.  If I take my problems to God, he will give me advice in the same vein as my doctor.  He is going to tell me to love my wife more; listen to her when she wants to talk; stop being rude.  He'll tell me to be tougher on the kids.  He'll suggest my problems at work are because of my attitude and efforts.  The thing is, I don't want to change in any of these areas either.  I know what I should be doing but I don't want to make the effort.  I just want God to make my problems go away.

There is no magic pill to cure diabetes and there will be no miracle to fix all the problems in my life.  Now what?

One path to take is to simply accept where I am at; don't let things get worse but also don't do the needful to improve.  I'm not really that unhappy where I am and moving off of center in either direction will not be fun.  I can learn to live with where I am, right?  The problem with this strategy is two-fold.  First, if my health declines more, I will face some serious problems.  My feet or fingers could get amputated.  I could have a stroke.  None of that would be good and is not a fair trade to have the ability to eat a donut or some cookies once in awhile.  The other problem is that my bad behavior affects other people.  It's not really fair to them for me not to try harder to be a better husdand, dad, and co-worker.

Another path to take is to make the effort.  Step it up.  Eat better.  Listen more.  Stop goofing off and spending so much time on entertainment activities.  I would prefer this but my track record is pretty dismal.  I start off well but then taper off as real life starts getting too hard.  Will it be different this time?  I doubt it.

Maybe, I just admit defeat and take the treatment to the next level.  For the diabetes, my doctor wants to increase the treatment and put me on insulin.  That would help but once I start, I can never stop, never go back.  Also, I will just eat more junk to account for the increased insulin.  How does that really help?

For the rest, what can God do for me?  Maybe the metaphorically equivalent treatment is to completely change the focus of my life.  As the Bible says, my life is just a mist that is here for a short while.  Heaven is my true home.  That is where my treasure should be stored (Luke 12:32-34).  Jesus invites me to deny myself and pick his up cross (Matt. 16:24).  He says I should take his yoke upon me for his yoke is easy and his burden is light (Matt 11:30).  Maybe my treasure is not my health, nor my job.  Maybe his cross and his yoke are telling (and showing) others that God loves them.  Maybe I need to stop looking for change and just trust that God will work all things for my good (Rom. 8:28).  Maybe I need to stop trying to do things myself and let Jesus live his life through me (Gal. 2:20).

None of this is easy nor comes naturally.  All of this is the complete opposite of the way my sinful nature wants to run my life.  This is the struggle that Paul describes in Romans 7.  "In my mind I am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful self I am a slave to the law of sin.  I thank God for his salvation through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

That being said, I know that I can do all things through Christ.  This does not mean I can perform brain surgery.  It does not mean that I will start eating correctly or listen more to my wife.  It means that in Christ, God will help me carry the cross, and take up his yoke.  It means that I can endure all things, all hardships, all setbacks, all medical issues.   I can add to my treasures in heaven.  I can share the gospel message and the love of Jesus.  Because it is not me.  It is Christ living in me.

Lord I believe.  Help thou my unbelief. 

Leadership is Offensive

Our culture places a huge emphasis on leadership.  We are all supposed to be leaders at work, at home, and everywhere.

In chapter 23 of his book, Unoffendable, Brant Hansen talks about this with a different take.  He notes that there are 10 times as many books on leadership compared to books on following in Christian bookstores.  He also points out that, throughout the Bible, God chooses the "broken and humble" to carry out his tasks -- Moses is the prime example.

Humility is what God uses.  Moses was both humble and a leader, so they are not mutually exclusive.  However, God made him spend 40 years tending sheep to get over himself and the leadership stuff he learned in Egypt before he called him to lead His people.  What is God's priority?  Would he want us going to seminars on leadership or helping the guy next door with a project or giving a whore a birthday party?

I am in a management role and I read books on leadership but I really should be doing what Paul said and forget everything except Christ crucified.  Will the things I read and hear about leadership lead me closer to Christ and living a humble, servant life, or more towards a controlling attitude?

This is just my opinion, but I feel that God is calling me to "bloom where I am planted", i.e. focus on my kids and wife and family and people that I come in contact with every day.  I don't want to change the world.  I don't even want to be the best me I can be.  Neither objective is achievable.  I just want to let Jesus work through my broken-ness.

Keith Green said, "Give it your best.  Pray that it's blessed.  He'll take care of the rest."  I want to be less and less so that He becomes greater.  

Part of me also wants everyone to think like me.  :) 

Maybe that is why I am writing this.  If so, I hope that you forgive me.

Father's Day 2022

Today is Father's Day.  My Dad died in 2001.  I still think about him from time to time, but not as much as I did that first year.  Been thinking more about him recently since my mother passed away in April.  It's not that I miss him, but more that I am comparing my struggles as a dad to what I put him through when I was a teenager.  How did he deal with me?  Were his methods the right ones?  Should I try to be more like him?

He was not a great dad (not bad either).  He did not spend much time with me growing up.  When he retired, he tried to get more involved, but it was a bit late.  I did not spend a ton of time with my kids either; more then my dad did with me, but probably not enough.  I wonder if that is part of the cause for the issues my kid's have.

I gave my parents a really hard time from age 14-19.  They did not really fight me and try to discipline me to do the right things or change my attitude.  Maybe they should have.  I tried to be tougher on my kids.  I think it helped overall but not completely.  Does discipline drive out folly or drive the child away?  It depends on the child.  Each kid responds differently to various stimuli.  The hard part is figuring out what works with each one.

Were my parents right to overlook the things I was doing?  They had to know or at least suspect, but they never confronted me.  I suppose they just prayed for me and hoped for the best.  Is that the right strategy?  Maybe that is the strategy for dealing with older teens.  Maybe all you can do is set a good example and hope the bad decisions they make are not so bad that they end up completely messing up their lives.

Is that what God does with us?  God gives us the law and has warnings and blessings in the Bible.  God has set up natural consequences for when we break the law.  Perhaps he also intervenes to give us a nudge in the right direction.  Is that how all things work together for good?

The father of the prodigal son in the Bible did not intervene.  He did not stop his son from going off to do terrible things.  Is that how God treats us?  Is that the father I should be?  Probably sometimes. 

Now, I have passed into the final level of adult-hood.  I stand alone as a man with no parents to answer to or criticize me or give me advice.  My parents are both gone now.  They cannot affect my life for good or bad anymore.  They cannot make up for mistakes of the past.  I, however, still have time.  I can still work to make the relationships with my kids better.  I can try to give them good examples and good advice.  I can point them to their heavenly father.  For me, it is not too late.  

I hope my kids see it the same way.

An Example of How the Holy Spirit Works

I wanted to share something that happened to me that shows how God is in control and works all things for good.

One of my kids, let's call them "Pat", has been arrested twice recently for things done while under the influence.  Pat realized their need to change and started and completed an intensive outpatient program.  The program was a positive influence and helped Pat think about their situation.

The IOP was not the end of the journey.  Pat was told to find a 12-step group and attend weekly meetings, as well as meet with a Counselor and possibly other group meetings.  After being out of the IOP for two weeks, Pat had yet to check any of these boxes.

Two or three weeks ago, I was thinking about the parable Jesus told about a man who had an impure spirit.  Perhaps this was a physical demon or a spirit of addiction or both.  In any case, the spirit left the man, wandered around for awhile looking for a new home, and then came back to the man.  The spirit found it's old "house" "unoccupied, swept clean and put in order".  In other words, the man had gotten his life back together after getting rid of his demon.  Seeing the house unoccupied, the spirit went and got more evil spirits and they all moved in to the old house.  Jesus said that the man was worse off then before.

I wanted to share this story with Pat but did not find a good opportunity.  Every few days, I would think, "I really need to tell them about this", but did not.  Finally, yesterday, I was in the kitchen.  Pat was in the kitchen.  No one else was around.  It was the right time, so I shared the story.

I told Pat that the lesson of the parable is that you can't just beat your old problems.  You can't just get rid of the demon.  You have to replace the bad with something good.  Otherwise, something worse will happen.

That night, there was a group meeting.  Pat attended.  (Box checked, ptl.)  There were four other people like Pat at the meeting.  At one point, the therapist asked the group, "Is it enough to just stop using?  Is it enough to get rid of your bad habit?"

Pat raised their hand and said, "I know the answer to this one."

He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. -- Psalm 91:15

Thoughts on Jeremiah and individual responsibility

I'm currently reading through the book of Jeremiah. Jeremiah and Ezekiel are known as the prophets of individual responsibility. Jeremiah wants his readers to know that they need to take responsibility for their actions.  Bad things are happening to them because of what the nation has done collectively AND because of the choices each person is making.  People need to turn back to God.  They need to stop sinning and do what is right.  They cannot blame God nor their neighbor for their situation in life.

How does this apply to me?  I need to take responsibility for my situation.  There are consequences for choices.  This is true for both worldly and spiritual things.  If i don't start eating better, my health will get worse. I need to make better choices about what I eat and how much.  I need to listen to my doctor.  My stubborn nature is going to put me in the hospital.

Likewise, I need to spend more time with God; read his word more.  I need to love people more, especially my wife and kids.  I need to flee temptation and sin--stop pumping bad stuff into my brain.

The reality is that I cannot do any of this without God's help.  "The evil that I would not, that I do", and so on.  I say with Paul, "Who will save me from this body of death?"  Thanks be to God who saves (or should I say SAVED?) me through Jesus Christ.

I know that I am a sinner.

I know that I fall short of the glory of God.

I know that I deserve nothing but punishment.

I feel like a failure.

God loves me.

Jesus died as payment for all my sins past, present, and future.

I have been crucified with Christ.  My sinful nature is dead.  Jesus lives in me.

Thank you Father for loving me.

Thank you Jesus for reconciling my relationship with the Father.

Thank you Holy Spirit for living through me.

"Winners" are the problem

In the introduction to a recent Sunday Night Football episode, the narrator said, "Good things do not come to those who wait.  Winners take what they want."  This sounds great in the context of football, competition, and testosterone. Sports are about winning; about fighting for victory.  There can be only one winner.  Second place is the first loser.  And so on.

Unfortunately,  this mentality is transferred from sports to the rest of life.  When we are driving in rush hour traffic, we cut people off or don't let people move in front of us because we have to be first.  If someone is giving away free stuff, we grab as much as we can not thinking (or should i say not caring) about the people in the line behind us.  In business, people at the top get the highest salaries and best perks.  The farther down the chain a person is, the smaller their share of the profits are.

This is the problem in America and the world.  This is we had black lives matter protests.  This is why there is inequality. 

The problem is not rich people who do not pay their fair share of taxes.  The problem is people who feel entitled to take more than their fair share of the prosperity that this country enjoys.  They call themselves winners because they are in positions of power.  Their goals are to climb the ladder and maximize their income.  Only so many people can be managers.  There is only so much money for salaries.  There are only so many winners.  Everyone else gets to fight over the leftovers.

It does not need to be this way.